Lindsey is a social media marketing leader who has witnessed his years of hard work and focus blossom into a successful career. As a newlywed, he feels torn between his desire to be a caring and attuned partner and his professional ambitions. Stevon helps us reevaluate our constant drive to produce and create a path forward towards a more harmonious work-life balance.
Stevon Lewis is a licensed psychotherapist and coach. Learn more about his work here. If you loved this episode, be sure to listen to Afraid of Disappearing in the Role of Mom, and Tackling the Emotional Challenges of Starting a New Business.
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Stevon Lewis:
What's up, everybody? Welcome to How to Talk to High Achievers about Anything. I'm Stevon Lewis, a licensed psychotherapist.
Today, we welcome Lindsay. Lindsay is an influence marketer and a newlywed. He built his career from the ground up by combining a whole range of interests, from his love for learning to football, from writing about hip hop to social media. But now things are getting complicated for Lindsay because he wants to prioritize his relationship and be a good partner without also having to let go of his many career ambitions. Let's get into it.
Lindsay: My name is Lindsey Gamble. I'm an influencer marketer. I am Associate Director of Influence Innovation at a company called Maverick, which is basically a platform for influencer marketing. Based in Boston, born and raised all my families here and outside of exploring the creator economy, I love exploring nature and hiking and everything else.
Growing up for me was really unique. I've lived in Boston my whole entire life, but from first grade all the way through high school. I actually went to school in the town Redding, which is outside Boston, and what I think had a really profound effect on my life was that I was one of a few minorities in my classroom. And so while I'm living in Boston and living with people that look like me in Roxbury, I'm taking a bus every morning and going to a suburb and have a group of friends and a whole different type of life.
When I grew up, I was going to play in the NFL. I loved football, played in high school, was able to play in college, and do a couple of different tryouts with NFL teams. Unfortunately, that didn't work out. When I think about my journey over the last couple of years, but even when I was younger, where I am today makes a lot of sense. I've always been a creative person. I used to love drawing when I was really young.
And then when I started playing football, I would always go to YouTube and seek out information on the best drills and the best type of workouts, and that's where I think I really kind of not built my curiosity but really dived into knowing that there's so much information out there and not just seeking out information, but taking that information and being able to figure out how it works for myself.
And so that actually translated to after college when I started writing a music blog and this was my way to really kind of build something from the ground up and teach myself. And so that curiosity popped up again because I had no idea about writing a blog. I had no idea really how to leverage social media outside of just using it for my own personal use and using it for class. And so by building this hip hop blog, I learned everything from writing articles to using Twitter and Instagram to promote those articles, to connecting with people, to throwing shows, basically how to build a brand online and really leverage that to create influence in the area. So it's been really great to be able to grow with the industry and continue to learn and continue to help it evolve.
So when I first started dating my wife Sarah…Being a newlywed has been really interesting. One of the things I've been thinking about a lot is how does that impact my ambition, my career? And when we first met, one of the things that I felt like didn't allow me to really be fully involved in the relationship at that time and I had to take a step back was because I just thought I need to get myself straight to be able to love someone or be the right partner, and so I did that for years and nothing good came of it, right?
I kind of was just spinning my wheels and then I realized that having someone there to support me during those times is really important. And I think being a married man, I think that's going to be really even more critical. Maybe it's less time writing my newsletter or doing a lot of the grunt work that I did to get to this point, but it's more time being engulfed in the moments and being present and realizing that I can still have a successful career, but having an even more successful relationship.
Even within the last month and change that we've been married is definitely has been a little different where there's times even leading up to the wedding where I was grinding out the newsletter and I find myself trying to be more aware of that. And so making sure that we're eating dinner or going for walks and being present and not thinking about so much just being productive. She always jokes with me and says, "I feel like I always have to be productive and the most motivated person." And it sounds like a good thing, but it actually probably isn't a great thing because you're always feeling like you have to do something to hit the next goal or do the next thing, and not in the capitalistic way, but more so just continue to progress.
So it's really hard for me to be still and live in the present because of when I look back the last five, six years is all the success I've had and where I am today is because of doing, being proactive, taking the initiative. And so after you have years of kind of seeing that reward cycle, it's really hard to stop it, right? Because when I wasn't doing those things, it wasn't that things weren't happening, but things were happening a lot slower.
It's hard to not want to try to do everything, and so one of the things that I try to remember is just not everything needs to be explored, even if it looks interesting and even if it's something that could be really beneficial. It's kind of having a lens on a camera where you can zoom in and out, but keeping it focused on the surrounding area that's most important at that time.
Lewis: Thanks for being on the show, Lindsay, and sharing your experience with us.
Lewis: Part of Lindsay's story sounds very familiar to me. Being kind of bussed out to a school that's in the suburb and being one of the few non-white students in the classroom, it really mirrors a bit of my own experience so I was quickly kind of drawn into what he's going through and how his worldview has been shaped.
So when he talks about his relationship now and how to manage his drive and desire to accomplish things but still show up in these other ways, he recognizes that what's made him good in the field of marketing and in his career could have some potential drawbacks in this new role as husband, spouse, partner.
This drive to succeed, and so he's really purposeful and dedicated and motivated. Those things bode really well for career, sometimes it doesn't translate well into relationship because what's made him successful could pull him further away from his relationship at times. Being so driven, the self worth being tied to producing or productivity or doing.
My concern comes with him being in a relationship now that's sort of new and sometimes if our evaluation of ourselves or our value or self worth gets attached or connected to doing, producing, accomplishing, then we might feel less successful, less valuable if we aren't giving or doing something for our partners, which can be an issue if our partner doesn't want us to do something. For Lindsay and for other high achievers, it'll be important to not be so attached to that part of themselves that has to do in order to feel successful.
To make that shift, I think high achievers need to do a couple things, especially when we're talking about showing up in their relationship in ways that their partners want. Check in with your partners. Have them define for you what success looks like for you in their lives. If it's not kind of producing or doing something, then maybe it's being present. I also think that for high achievers, there's this feeling of gratification that we get or is obtained from doing something and seeing the fruits of our labor.
Sometimes when we are in relationship with another person, it's not as instantaneous. And so I use the analogy of it's like grass growing. Something's happening, movement is taking place, it's just at a very slow pace. And so sometimes in relationships it's okay to slow things down a bit to not feel so rushed or feel this sense of urgency. And it's hard for folks like Lindsay because they are looking towards the next to do, the next item on the list to check off. Our partners and our relationships might not be a check off item per se. It's not on the to do list every day. Well, I gave my spouse a kiss and so I got that done. It's not so transactional, so to speak.
I mentioned that high achievers, and Lindsay being part of that group, like to see the fruits of their labor. We might need to define or redefine what those fruits might be. In business, it's easy. I've got these metrics and I need to have so many followers, so many likes, so many leads that turn into a purchase of a product. In our relationship, it's not so clear cut. And so trying to identify what the fruits are of our investment and our hard work, that's part of the conversation we have with our spouses or our partners is to get more kind of clarity in that and what they want.
Some of it might also be like it's not something tangible, it's seeing them happy. It's seeing them rest. It's seeing our significant other not have to put forth a lot of mental load to think about us so much that we took some of that off of them. Those aren't necessarily tangible, concrete, physical things, but also have lots of value for the other person.
Here's a clip of something that really stood out to me:
Lindsay Clip: When we first met, one of the things that I felt like didn't allow me to really be fully involved in a relationship at that time and I had to take a step back was because I just felt like I needed to get myself straight to be able to love someone or be the right partner.
Lewis: Lindsay made mention of this idea that he felt as though he needed to get his career to a specific place or level before he could enter into and show up for somebody else in a kind of relationship way. And for men, that's a huge thing because it's like oftentimes value is tied to what we are able to produce or accomplish or do. And him being a man, and maybe even a black man, part of the identity is to be a provider, and if that isn't accomplished then there's this sense of failure. And so it makes sense when he talks about putting off for a year or two or three, moving forward with relationship because his career was still building.
Part of the recognition is that things can happen concurrently and don't have to happen one before the other. Sometimes you have to grow as you go and that doing that with a partner can be easier at times because they can support you on the days that you don't feel your strongest, or they can be a sounding board for you to bounce your ideas off of. Or that they can just be there just in the space with you through the thick or tough difficult times, and even through the great moments.
Lewis: As a last little bit of advice, I would just encourage high achievers that hear themselves in Lindsay's story or experience to recognize that it's really important to not put so much pressure on yourself to be a finished product or to have all your ducks in a row or everything figured out.
There's also this part of thinking about your partner in a way of they understand you for who you are. They've accepted you where you are already. And I think when you tell yourself that you've got to do more, or you've got to be more, or that you need to get this done before you can show up for them, you're making a decision for the other person that they haven't made for themselves.
They see where you are and if they're willing to attach to you or connect with you, maybe they're kind of at a place where they can understand where you're going to get to and they see themselves in the role they'll play in helping you get there.
And that's a wrap. Thank you so much for listening to How to Talk to High Achievers about Anything. We have really big plans for our show, and we want you to be a part of it. We want to hear about your successes and challenges, your sacrifices, the ways you've celebrated, and what's ahead as you grow. Send our producer Virginia an email, and we'll get your story on the show. She's at virginia@lwcstudios.com.
How to Talk to High Achievers about Anything is an original production of LWC Studios. Virginia Lora is the show's producer. Kojin Tashiro is our mixer. Juleyka Lantigua is the creator and executive producer. I'm Stevon Lewis. On Twitter and Instagram, we're @talktoachievers. Bye, everybody.
CITATION:
Lewis, Stevon, host. “Changing Your M.O. to Put Marriage First.”
How to Talk to [High Achievers] about Anything,
LWC Studios., October 31, 2022. Talktohighachievers.com